I wrote this vent some time ago. Has to be at least five or six months old. I hadn’t planned on sharing it, but I came back to it this morning and sat in awe of how much God has changed my mindset.
It’s not that these things don’t affect me any longer, but I’ve learned to look at them different. Trying to figure these things out was beyond my job description. God didn’t give me those duties. Realizing that and focusing on what I KNOW is my purpose, makes these things so much easier to deal with.
So, I’m sharing this with my recovering worry addicts…those who may feel like life is happening to everyone but them. I never want to portray that I have it all together in this blog. The only thing I wish to portray is that God gave me the gift of writing to heal me.
3am vent sessions
I’m exhausted with trying to figure out what is so wrong with me that any man I deal with leaves.
And not just physically. What made the man that I spent my 20’s with decide I wasn’t good enough to marry and drag out my flaws until it was inevitable for me to leave. That leaving meant I could breathe, but still wonder why I wasn’t enough. That even years later he can send me texts saying he misses me or he’s thinking about me with no real effort to reconcile or show me that he wants us to work.
That the man I loved after him could change my life forever, yet put the fault on me. Convince me that I was special and proceed to have two children by two other women and still hurt me with his words.
That the man I’ve been unexplainably connected to more than half of my life could come in, fuck shit up and tighten his grip on my heart, all while holding me at a distance.
Knowing that I let all these things happen with no real explanation is exhausting. Because I know better.
I’m exhausted because my married friends don’t understand how much their issues scare me to death. That my friends with children don’t understand how depressingly confusing it is for them to breathe ‘my children are my world’ in one sentence and ‘don’t have any Christian, wait a little while longer’ in the next.
I’m exhausted because no matter how much I know better, the comparison trap still tries to creep in and I wonder why I’m not as far along in my life as I thought I’d be ten years ago.
Mostly, I’m exhausted because people are not this transparent without needing something. I don’t need anything from you besides your understanding that it’s okay to be exhausted. It’s okay to not be okay. Get some rest and get back at it.
Vent sessions aren’t meant to keep you in this space. It’s meant to get it out of your mind and move on from those emotions. Recovering means taking an active role in your healing. These people still hurt me. I’m sure they may feel hurt by me as well, but what good does it do me to keep coming back to these hurts? They are living their lives. I have to live mine.