I downloaded another dating app. This one lasted a whole week. That’s probably a record for me, but as usual, I deleted it out of frustration and exhaustion. When I don’t get immediate results, some type of interaction that shows promise, I’m completely over it.
Then I think of the men that I’ve dated (if you can even call it that) recently and I get so disgusted with my love life that I begin to contemplate just how mad God would be with me if I went to a sperm bank to have a kid and never bothered with another relationship again. Like is this “turn me around at the gate” bad? Because if it’s not, it might be worth it…
I love love. I love the idea of it. I love the thought of someone needing me in their life. Not for what I can provide or do for them, but just wanting to be around me or talk to me and genuinely have a connection with me. As soon as I think I’ve found potential, I’m quickly reminded that I’m an option. An option that does not always need to be picked.
And you know what hurts the most about that? I don’t ask anyone to deal with me. I am completely okay with being rejected in honesty. You don’t like me on that level? Cool. You just want to be my friend? Just peachy. However, the men that tend to come into my life are never that honest.
I get the representative. The one who sends good morning texts. The one who calls at least once a day. The one who asks about my day. He seems genuinely into me and then BOOM. All of that stops.
Calls and texts are less frequent. Important information is forgotten. And then the excuses come. “I’ve been busy.” “I haven’t talked to anyone.”
That inevitable truth that I am no man’s priority comes back and it stings like the very first time I felt it.
I’m supposed to be okay with this. There are many life coaches, relationship gurus, and more who all advised to take this for what it’s worth. “That’s not the man for you. If he can’t make you a priority don’t waste your time.”
But why can’t he? Why am I not good enough to make a priority? Why do I have to feel unbothered by this type of rejection? I struggle with this on daily basis. Everyone tells you to be a boss and move on, but who wants to be single? Who wants to not feel like someone cares about them enough to make them a priority? Sociopaths, that’s who.
I am not a sociopath. I want love. I want to date a black man. Fall in love with a black man. Support that black man. Have his babies. Help him build his legacy. How do I balance that want with my reality without getting depressed about it?
Trust God is my immediate answer. I don’t ever want God to feel like I’m worried about not having this type of relationship, but it honestly scares me. Then I feel bad about being scared about it, because that’s the opposite of faith. So now I’m worried, scared, mad and ashamed for doubting God….IT’S. TOO. MUCH!
So what do we do? And when I say we, I mean all of the women (and some men) who feel this way? I am completely clueless on this part of recovery, but I will say what I’ve done to lessen the sting.
I have a lot of things going on that require my time. Whenever I get in the, “I’m bored I want some company,” mood, I have to stop myself. “You’re not bored, you could be writing. You could be editing. You could be looking for new clients. You could be working on your business. You could be reading…exercising…taking a nap.”
There are tons of things I can do that are available to me. My idle time is not time to wallow in my singleness, it’s my time to be me and work on me. Things that I want to accomplish, goals I want to achieve…those things need to fill up my time.
What’s worse than being single when you don’t want to be? Being single and unaccomplished.
Take the pressure off
Listen, when you do finally meet someone who seems legit, don’t start picking out color schemes for your wedding just yet. Take time to enjoy the journey and be open to possibilities, but if it doesn’t work…it’s OKAY! Crave the experience more than anything and create moments that you can enjoy and remember. When it’s right…it’ll be right.
Date God (and yourself)
One of my 2018 goals was to increase my daily devotion to an hour. I’m not there yet. Since this is my most important goal, I need to be there. In all honesty, this may be the very reason why I’m still single. I’m not spending enough time with God and that’s my fault. Planning quiet and meditation times or waking up 30 minutes earlier than usual to read, pray and be still for a moment always makes my day better. This goal is beneficial in more ways that one. Do whatever this looks like for you and see how much more productive you’ll be.
If you’ve been around for a while, you know part of my recovery deals with a long-term relationship in my past that I thought was IT. Even though it’s been about four years since this ended, I am still dealing with residual from it. We have to learn things about ourselves in order to grow. Deal with it all and be better the next time. I hope my discoveries can help your recovery as well.
Share some tips or things you do in your singleness to cope.