Judging yourself won’t help.

Yay for my 100th blog post! I’ve decided not to play the comparison game with other bloggers, but I’m for sure excited about the next 100 posts. Before 2020, I’ll be redefining my blog writing and make sure that this blog helps those I’ve been called to reach. Write to Recover is a forum where we all learn to use writing as a form of therapy in ever aspect of our lives. I want to make sure I stay true to the mission. So thank you for sticking around for 100 posts. If you want anything from me as far as topics go, please feel free to comment or inbox.

For the last several months, I have been struggling to do something I love; reading. I used to read a book in a couple of days, tops! It didn’t matter how long or short it was, once I was pulled into it, it was over for anything else that required my attention.

Things that I thought were completely unrelated began to happen. Writer’s block. Anxiety. Restlessness. Boredom. All of these things would happen sporadic and I would not know where they came from. It’s true when they say a great writer has to be a great reader, but I am just now realizing how true this is.

My goal this year was to read 24 books. I’m nowhere near that, but after recently finishing More than Enough by Elaine Welteroth, I’m (slightly) okay with not reaching my goals at the moment. We are so hard on ourselves. We mentally kick ourselves for each wrong decision we make. We judge our actions and execute a punishment equivalent to a life sentence. We are often so afraid to take risks out of the sheer thought of failure, that we decide that living with regret is easier.

We is me. (Insert head palm emoji here).

I felt guilty for not reading. Here I was, pushing my books and asking for reviews when I couldn’t even remember the last time I completed a book that I started. I had no idea what I wanted to write about next and I used the editing excuse to justify all of my ill actions. “I’m reading other people’s work right now, I don’t have time to read for leisure.”

Although that may be true, what am I really if I’m not a reader. How could I become a better writer or editor if I wasn’t actually reading? So I went to the library and got this book, thinking that a deadline would keep me on target.

It didn’t. In fact, I’m typing this as I just finished the book, 3 days overdue after renewing it twice…. Don’t judge me.

When did I get so down on myself that I ran out of things to criticize and moved on to how not reading was making me a horrible writer and editor? There are so many aspects of my life that I feel like I suck at, but NO! This was never one of those things. I would not allow it. I had to finish this book by all means necessary, even if it was going to cost me a few dollars for returning it late.

It took me about 100 pages into the book only to realize that I wasn’t ready this to glem from it, but to just say I finished a book. This was more disgusting to me than anything else. It was also my breaking point. I took a deep breath, slowed down and began to actually read the words on the page.

“When you find yourself existing in a space between dreams realized, parts of you will feel too big for where you are, while other parts of you will feel too small for where you’re going. Go anyway. Do not wait. Do not wonder if you can. Do not ask for permission. When you get lost, it’s okay to stop, to look up, to look within for the answers – they’re always there. And when the world tells you to shrink, expand. You have done enough. You are enough. You were born enough. The world is waiting on you.”

It’s so true that the only person who can stop you from failing is yourself. What they don’t tell you when they quote this is that..you can really do a great job of stopping yourself. Seriously. Defeating yourself is top level Mario vs Bowser type battles. 

Think about it. You spend all day in your head. Your mind is constantly reinforcing thoughts that get filtered down to your heart and soul. If all of those are negative, you are defeated without hesitation. Putting all of the guilt, shame and failures of your past into rotation will definitely keep you from progressing and living.

I’m not saying that we don’t need to evaluate our choices in order to get to the root and make better ones, but judging yourself based on those past indiscretions won’t help you at all.

I’m tired of looking back at my goals at the end of the year and beating myself up for not meeting them. Get past the judgement, figure out why certain things didn’t work and adjust accordingly.

I’m committing to breaking my 2020 goals down by quarter. Looking at them realistically and practically. I don’t want to have a list of 20 things I didn’t do again at the end of next year. Not only am I breaking them down by quarter, but each goal will have an action plan and a small reward. The action plan is to keep me accountable and determined and the reward is for…well why not? Why have goals if I don’t reward myself for meeting them?

I’ve accomplished a lot this year and I don’t want to take all of my wins for granted. I’ve very appreciative if becoming a speaker, helping others publish their books, planning successful events and paying off debt. However, while I’m breathing I want to do more. I want to build a legacy that will live well past my body and to do that, I can’t afford to keep reflecting on unmet goals.

It’s time to win.

Help me! What ways to do you keep yourself accountable for meeting your goals? What helps? Let’s keep each other motivated.

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