I no longer want to be a mother.
I decided to stop wanting to be a mother. It took a nasty cry/prayer (snot included) and a lot of pleading with God and deep breaths, but its official: I don’t want to be a mother.
In today’s society, there are a lot more women who have decided that motherhood is not for them. Some have chosen careers and lifestyles that aren’t baby-friendly, some just don’t want dependents and some haven’t found the right person to settle with. There could be plenty of reasons why a woman would decide to remain childless.
None of these reasons apply to me.
I have always been quietly obsessed with being a mom. I can trace it back to when my cousin Jamal was born almost 18 years ago. I kept him a lot. I got used to comforting him and watching over him. My grandmother had 7 kids and as her grandchild count grew, so did my baby sitting duties. I took them to church. I took them to school events. At one point my uncle didn’t even ask anymore. He just dropped them off. I was an automatic babysitter.
My older cousins starting having kids and even my close friends. I was surrounded with teen moms and although I didn’t want them at the time, my future children often crossed my mind.
That’s an understatement.
I had names picked out.
I wrote stories where every character got pregnant. There was almost always a set of twins.
Then I met him. The man I just knew would be my baby daddy. The one I just knew would be my husband.
Our relationship started with some divine intervention. Due to one part alcohol and one part disinterest, when he asked for my number I switched the digits around. Would you believe he figured it out? Like literally within five minutes of leaving the gas station, he was calling and telling me to save his number! I hadn’t told him this fact until months into our relationship, but do you know what my first thought was?
This will be an awesome love story to tell our kids.
I was that obsessed with my future.
Years passed and future children conversations happened. We had agreed on 5, settling at 3. I told him our girls’ names. We agreed about a junior. Discussed where we would raise them and agreed on discipline. My friends began to get married. Others had more babies. I became a God mother twice and an honorary aunt plenty of times over.
We were still just talking about marriage and kids.
In typical woman fashion, I figured it was me. Not only hadn’t this man proposed after five years, but I was well past the age I thought I’d have my first child at. Something had to be physically wrong with me.
Being as honestly raw as I can be: we did absolutely nothing to prevent a pregnancy. We were two saved Christians acting like we had no idea what we were doing was wrong. I pacified my conviction with our discussions of marriage. It would happen eventually, so what if I got pregnant first?
At least I’d be a mom.
Yes, I was that obsessed.
It got so bad that even when I knew that our relationship was over, I stayed anyway. I wanted to be a mom and I didn’t want a random baby daddy. Once it happened, we could just co-parent.
Are you judging me yet? Oh…okay.
My stomach twisted when I heard someone else was expecting. My ovaries jumped when an adorable little baby interrupted my social media time line. My heart hurt when my mom joked about her inevitable bond with her future grandson.
I told her she would not be teaching my child how to kick people, but I was obsessed with the thought of it. I was obsessed with giving that to her. I was obsessed with giving that to me.
I was 20, newly in love and planning a future family. Before I knew it, I was 27 and single.
27 and childless.
I have a private Pinterest board dedicated to my future wedding and non-existent child. I treat Mother’s Day like my mom’s second birthday just so I don’t have to focus on not being one. I have an unfinished letter to my first born daughter about how obsessed I am with being a better me right now to prepare for her.
But she doesn’t exist.
This isn’t healthy. Because although baby fever may be all fine and well, the unhealthy, doubtful thoughts are not.
I am deathly afraid that God has decided that I’m not going to be a mother. What if I’m so attached to the tiny people in my family because I won’t have any of my own? What if I’m not physically capable of carrying a baby? Or worse, what if He decided that’s just not His plan for me?
Would He do that to me?
And tonight, while praying for direction into these last months of my 20’s, I realized this obsession is slowly killing me. I’m dying inside over something I obviously cannot control. (Seriously, my friends already vetoed artificial insemination).
So it’s time to let the obsession go.
Dear Lord,
I realize that trying to manipulate Your will for my life is doing nothing but driving me insane. Your word says that Your plan for my life, the one You set before I was even formed, is beyond my wildest, most creative dream. My spirit believes that, but my flesh wants to hold on to this obsession…
I don’t know how to let it go…
Help me to let it go.
Amen.
What’s something you are obsessed with obtaining that may be hindering you from enjoying your present life?
Write to recover 
I love this. I can so relate. At one point I knew I was going to have 7 kids. I had all names picked out, and even changed some up. I also thought about AI, especially since my job at the time would cover up to 90% of the cost. (Mostly I would get to pick a donor, and don’t have to deal with the other side of a family and drama) my kid, to myself, and my family. I even still pray for my kids (that I don’t have) Then I got involved in a different way of living, but was still sure I was going to have a child someday, somehow, some way. I am 30 now and still single and haven’t even had a chance to be with someone who’d would want to start a family as of yet. I’m even second guessing if I really want to be married, (but I wanna ‘do-it’ and I’d prefer marriage and not more soul-ties) goodness I wanna travel and still get my passion & business going. It’s something I’m still seeking God about. In the mean time I’m single and I’m good on kids for now. Love, love this.
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Girl your comment almost made me shout! I thought about the donor thing too! Smh. God will make a way for us! Look at all these celebrities having babies old 😁
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Right! Look at Janet! 50 and having that baby!!! Lol. I usually say if not by 35 I’m good. Like you, I have a plethora of nieces, nephews, Goddaughters, and gazillion cousins running around (that I can pick up, and drop off.) I also know that my timing does not Out do Gods timing. Lol. (Sometimes I’m looking up to the Lord like…👀) then I have to check myself. Whatever is in His plan is best. Right now I’m just really trying do all I can without to plan around kids. Singleness can be a beautiful thing.
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Loved this! Very deep. I believe in letting go and letting things happen. Dwelling on it can definitely drive you crazy but I think this goes for most women reaching their 30s, so you’re definitely not the only one to think these things. I think it’s different for me because I’ve never been that excited to be a mother or a wife. My tribe of nieces and nephews, whom i love dearly, changed that for me real quick. I think i’m a perfect aunt and I don’t know if i truly even want to be a mom but i’m wishy washy. I may want to be a mom later on. Who knows. I’m obsessed with being successful. I want to do everything I’ve dreamed of; write a book series, become a teacher, campaign self love, and own a coffee shop. SImple things that make me happy. I’m obsessed with being happy which doesn’t stop enjoying life at all but that’s what I’m obsessed with. I set goals in 2015 to find inner peace and to simply be happy. It’s a job but it feels so good. But yea i was thinking 700 things while writing this so this has to be all over the place but you know im that way in real life lol.
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Yes. Since I wrote this I’ve actually read two other blog posts so I’m like thank you Jesus I’m not weird lol. I was pacified with all these babies for awhile. I think I just want a little family of my own, but like you said, have to let things happen. I so want to open a book cafe! Let’s do it!
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Yes the cafe is a must! I need a dope spot so i can have poetry readings and cool crap like that. A cool hang out with music
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This honestly made me so sad. Like made me emotional type sad & heaven knows I’m a lowercase G so I had to pep talk myself & hold it together.
That being said, I dont think being a mother is a desire you should quelch. You are a woman–I am a woman, we are created to carry life. In recollection–For whatever reason another dear sister confided in me that she felt she couldn’t have children–which is something I, myself struggled with in the past. My conclusion was that God is the one that opens & closes wombs. I don’t think you’ve given up on this desire & I don’t think you should. Don’t give up love.
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I definitely still want to be a mom, just not obsessing over the possibilities that it may not be God’s plan for me. Thanks for reading, love!
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This was great!! From my childhood experience, I was raised by my grandma and my parents didn’t stay together; he lives in Las Vegas and she’s here in Birmingham. My thing is that I desire the life my parents didn’t pursue. They just let life flow on by. I have the desire of marriage, children, and stability because I never got the chance to experience that with my parents. Of course when I was younger it wasn’t a big deal, but girl now that I have some sense I don’t want my life to be that way. Through the years I did flock to boys and get into these relationships knowing that one day I will have a husband and that family I have always dreamt about. I still believe that and kind of try to pursue it, but I do believe that God continues to tell me that it will happen but girl not as soon as you think it will. I do believe right now is my time to focus on myself and go after each and every dream rather it’s a fail or not. I, too, was obsessed in wanting a family because that wasn’t my life growing up. I am learning to let life run it’s course and when the time comes for a bf, then husband and family, it’ll definitely happen for me. I may be all over the place because I’m typing at work lol. I just had to my thoughts out before they left me. lol!! Great read!
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LOL, it wasn’t all over the place. I got exactly what you were saying. Thanks for reading!!
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