While speaking to a friend about my misgivings on being single, I came to a rather disgusting discovery: I hate being alone.
If you haven’t yet figured this out about me, I am very emotional. During the demise of past relationships, my anger and bitterness towards that person for whatever may have happened lasts for a while. Once I’m over the initial anger, I usually get sad over the idea of the loss. Loss of hugs. Loss of kisses. Loss of companionship. Loss of conversation. Loss of someone I’d become comfortable with.
Before beginning my road to recovery, this is usually the part where I end up backtracking to that comfort zone even when that comfort includes familiar pain. My weakness of refusing instant gratification convinces me that some companionship is better than none. We’ve all done it, so don’t judge me.
It’s very easy to say, “don’t go back,” but as I also say, no one has to sleep with you at night, but you. Your decisions have to make sense to you. Fortunately, by the grace of God, going back no longer makes sense.
My gf, as I like to call her, told me that being single may be lonely, but at least its peaceful. I thought about that statement for the rest of the night until it finally clicked in my head. Pick which one means more to you, Cash (that’s what I call myself when I have conversations with myself).
Not to say these things are mutually exclusive. You do not have to be alone in order to find peace. In my current single state, however, peace is the best option.
So how do I go about being peaceful while being alone?
My road to recovery wish list does include being in a healthy relationship. Keyword: HEALTHY. And in order for that to happen, I have to be a whole, healthy person on my own.
Whoa, slow down Cash…you’re asking a lot with that one little sentence!
I am fully aware that being a whole, healthy person on my own is a continuous journey that probably will never end. I am determined, however, to have a little more leverage and balance going into my next relationship. There are things I can change now, that would help that process go a lot smoother.
Back to the plan:
How do I move on from saying that I am okay with being alone, to actually being okay with it?
I address this question a lot in my upcoming non-fiction title. The only way to truly be okay with being alone is to be satisfied with self. For me, that means being a healthier me, physically, mentally and spiritually.
When I evaluated my current life and the things I want out of it, I had to ask myself if I was worth what I wanted? Am I worth being a wife, a mother, a business owner? Am I worth being a comfortable size and being debt free? What makes me believe that God should bless me with these dreams and desires?
The answer was nothing. There was nothing about me that really made me believe I deserved what I wanted.
I would get an inkling of entitlement from the praise I got from others, but when I sat down with myself, I never feel as if I’ll get there. I may want to. I may desire it and dream of what it looks like, but I’ve never actually said it. I catch myself saying if a lot instead of when.
“If I’m able to work for myself…”
“If I have a child…”
“If I get married…”
“If I’m debt free…”
If is not a definite. If is a chance. If is a maybe. How do I turn that if into when?
Making it the only option. I say if to give myself room to fail. “I blew my budget this month? Oh well, I kind of figured I would.” This is my problem. This is your problem. Stop setting yourself up to fail before you even start. Don’t give yourself the option.
I got way off topic…
Point is, I can be peaceful while single. In fact, it’s the only option…okay so my above rant did come around to the point. Go, Cash!
So because my sanity depends on it, I have to find peace in this time of solitude. I refuse to bring someone sane into this level of crazy. Hey, future husband, you hear that? I’m so working this mess out just for you…well, more so for me, but you’ll benefit so it’s all good.
Let’s talk! What is something that you’ve wanted for yourself, but keep giving into the option of failure?