My first non-fiction title is called “Maybe you aren’t wife material.” I started this project a few years ago after ending a long-term relationship with the man I thought would be my husband.
While arguing one day after one of my best friend’s wedding, he said something to me that made my blood boil. He made a smart comment about how I didn’t know what it meant to be a wife and my friend did, which was why she was now married and I wasn’t.
Harsh right? I thought so, too.
I won’t go into detail about how utterly disgusting that statement was due to how much I was doing for him, but I will fast forward a few months into my single life when I began to re-evaluate myself and the things I wanted in my own life.
He was right.
As much as I hate to admit it, I was nowhere near ready to be someone’s wife. It wasn’t because I wasn’t a great girlfriend, it was because there were so many gaps in holes in my own personal journey that I knew trying to fully commit to a husband and God at the time would fail.
Maybe you aren’t wife material was birthed as a way for woman to take a look at themselves, realize who they are and improving on a personal level before inviting a spouse into the mix.
I’m not talking about learn how to cook, have a small waist and a round behind or look good. (Although, if you can’t cook…you may way to start working on that). I’m talking about getting your credit together, working on your insecurities, advancing in your career, strengthening your relationship with God…concrete things like that.
I’ve mentioned these things before. They are part of the reason I even started this blog, but I’m bringing it up now specifically because of how much we devalue lessons from broken situations.
I’m never losing: I’m either winning or learning.
My ex was very vocal about the things he felt I was horrible at. I never listened and always did what I felt was right. After being single for a few years, I’ve come to appreciate the things I’ve learned from him (please don’t tell him that if you know him.)
Here are a few things I learned from my ex about myself:
I am passive aggressive
I mean, the pettiness is real with this one. I will pout all day, suggest something sarcastically and point out all the ways something could be better if it was done my way, all with a smile on my face. It was pretty bad in my relationship. It got to the point to where when I wasn’t being sarcastic, I couldn’t convince him that I was sincere because of my historically sarcastic comments. Once he began to cypher through my passive aggressiveness, he became less responsive to it which in turn made me feel like he didn’t care to figure out what was wrong with me. Obviously, I thought this was working, but it doesn’t.
We have to mean what we say and say what we mean. One of my best friends has always said this and as I get older I realize how much we take honesty and straight forwardness for granted. You don’t have to be a jerk…just be real.
I like attention
I have amazing siblings gifted to me from my dad and step-dad, but I am my mother’s only child. Attention is almost a way of life and now that I’m older and praying for an ambitious, driven man…I realize this is an epic fail in the personality department. We’ve all heard the saying, “If you don’t want to deal with a broke man, you have to deal with a busy man.” Well, I don’t like that statement.
I’m not saying I have to be in consent contact or fawned over like some puppy, but I would like to know that I am on your mind, especially when you’re busy. I am trying to learn when to draw the line and recognize the difference between a busy man and one who really isn’t interested.
I need non-sexual intimacy
I truly believe that foot massages are a love language. I don’t ever see anything wrong with cuddling. The problem is, from personal experience in my past, once these things are introduced to me they become a gateway drug. My ex definitely knew that foot massages were the way to get me to do just about anything he wanted. Half the time, I wouldn’t even be in the mood until that intimate touch happened.
I recently went to a singles’ ministry meeting where we discussed boundaries. Telling yourself you can cuddle up with someone (or in my case get a foot massage from someone I’m attracted to) without going further is a lie you can’t keep feeding yourself if you are choosing to not be sexually active. And for all of you judging me right now, it’s not like a simple hand on my foot gets me going. It’s more of the atmosphere mixed with the feeling. You have your own issues! Keep it moving!
Anywho, back to what I was saying…setting boundaries and finding non-sexual ways to be intimate is the key to celibacy success…that and a lot of prayer.
I probably learned a lot more from him, but these are the only ones I can deal with right now. LOL. I hope he doesn’t read this and feel some type of satisfaction…I’ll find some other ways to vilify him in the book.
What was your ex right about that you won’t openly admit to him/her?